Archive for the ‘DIALECTICS /often a talk with myself’ Category

i don’t want to invent myself at this stage of my life.
why do i feel as if this is the end.
the stars have started shedding.
dust everywhere.
is this the spring that lost its flowers.
maybe i lost all the was me.

oh dear me. dear pluto panes. can you?

please kay,

please don’t accuse me of leaving or changing or moving away.
when did i do that. haven’t i been there always. haven’t i answered whenever you called. haven’t i felt sick every time you were.

but why do you forget that every good thing comes to an end. i know what is between us is beautiful and it always will be. but then i am just another phase of your life. and you need to move on. thank you for loving me when i least deserved it. you were never mine, Kay. i can not hold on to you. i want you to be free. i want you to BE. every sad chapter of present will become great tales for tomorrow. never lose yourself because of anyone else.

somewhere in this lovely fucked up world i will be miss you when i look at the stars or a crow.

sorry for everything. this is not a goodbye note. this is a love letter.

still having a great day?

no.. but am too lazy to change it
how does it matter anyways..

it matters for people like us. who keep tab on u from far. these letters n words are the only connection between us. to know you and not me.

how are you?

there is a root problem to the question of getting rooted. the start from the tree down the branches. and reaching out for the undergrowth. it wasn’t as it seemed all along. so to get rooted. one might argue. would be to lay hidden. or maybe not. but the chioce isn’t about the reaches one has. but rather the flaws of getting unrooted.

don’t ask me what i meant. maybe i wrote everything i meant. or maybe i was hiding it all. maybe i filled in the blanks and deleted the question.

where are you?

where am i?

wasn’t that a question they used to ask.
spoken about but never talked. into the silent corners of everyday life. laid down of the thick layers of habit. the gong never rang again. a jingle reminded of the still.

when are you coming?

scratches on the edge of the clouds poured the water down the hill.
crashed the building blocks.

did u get buried there? amongst the building blocks?

“after you were gone, you left me crying.
after you were gone, you left me dying.”

well that’s a great jazz song.
i was listenning to the woody allen version.

A pocket full of posies;
Hush! hush! hush! hush!
We’re all tumbled down.


how i wish that made sense to that. i really do. how i wish i could know read all that you never meant to say? each distorted alphabets of wimpful harmony. tiny edges of lost meaning. wish i could hear them all. wish i could find them all.


remember the small chink that let the air in.
the vent of the suffocated heart.

you can call me whatever you want. Mr. black or Mr. blue.
colours aren’t going to reflect me ever. neither will the total abnegation of hues.

A pocket full of posies;
Hush! hush! hush! hush!
We’re all tumbled down.

Nihilism (from the Latin nihil, nothing) is the philosophical doctrine suggesting the negation of one or more aspects of life. Most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value. Moral nihilists assert that morality does not inherently exist, and that any established moral values are abstractly contrived. Subsequently there are no moral values with which to uphold a rule or logically prefer one action over another. Nihilism can also take epistemological, metaphysical, or ontological forms. Meaning, there is no point to anything, as in, any action taken has absolutely no value to the meaning in which it was taken. There was no purpose to taking it in the first place.

The term nihilism is sometimes used in association with anomie to explain the general mood of despair at a perceived pointlessness of existence that one may develop upon realizing there are no necessary norms, rules, or laws. Movements such as Futurism and deconstructionism, among others, have been identified by commentators as “nihilistic” at various times in various contexts.


what sort of a nihilist are u?

i refuse to answer such a question.

hows the weather today?

<good.. silent, still, calm.. little foolish though..>

the foolish silent calm still good weather must smile a lot. the cherubic smile.

i see. james didn’t know the extend to which his wish would work. and then when he woke up from the dream. the fire wasn’t all that strong. burnt everything down. couldn’t work so well. the fire frooze him to his death.

<who was james?>

james. don’t tell me you don’t know james. james is jill’s friend. they used to play together when they were kids. they grew up together, you see. songs would they sing. such horrendous singing i must add. but beautiful. maybe even a bit happy. today james have lost all that was. and grew (if that is even a word). that was a great tale. wasn’t it?

<it was a sad tale.>

sad tale maybe. but it was beautiful. maybe even a bit happy.

talking again.

Posted: January 27, 2010 in DIALECTICS /often a talk with myself

i have answered
something that we are not interested in
the well being probably
the being happy
that being


if that is supposed to answer all that i asked for
then maybe it does
i hate it when i sound all poetic. it is so sick to sound all bullshit poetic.

<the answer to that was just extreme pain.. which lulled me to silence>

pain. isn’t that a fiction
of that i heard long back
about a fall.
about the sick sick feeling.
wasn’t that story that they wrote
a buzy road often not taken back gain.

dear stranger

Posted: December 10, 2009 in DIALECTICS /often a talk with myself

Hey You are kind a cute... Your problem u care...
me=phlegmatic... yeah yeah yeah a big word... then I did English honours i should know some big words...

(p.s actually I picked it from the online dictionary)....
do u think people care... friends... hahahaha... once I too believed in friendship.... today look at me... emotionally wreck... run over... hahahaha... I don't feel any more... i don't want my acquaintances to point finger at me and say hey i know that guy.... we went to the same school/ same college/met somewhere... blah blah blah.... they don't give a shit... i am good alone... yeah sometimes i do get all scared being with myself... then i try to run to company but that's cuz i am scared not that i love them... i don't.... i don't lie anymore... each day is another day... do i remember wat happened y'day.. i don't.... three years of college... it was hip... pubs.. bars... friends' terraces... sipping beer.. or having chat at the corner...  but that's y'day... do i recall... nope... life is a day after a day after a day.... makes sense??? not to me... u ask wat if friends leave me... u think they were with me... no.. i was a clown.. a good company.. so they hanged with me.... toady do they care if i'm lost in this mire... no dear roli they don't.... u are kinda nice..... kinda like me when i wasnt so lost.... yeah i have created my own world.. i know... but am escaping from reality... my only way... with black.. with death....

cutting a dream into a million pieces.... the song goes on.... shifting places... into a tuneless chaos of words.....

ME :i'm creative..... hahahaaaaa... that's funny.... eccentric sounds cool.. i'm not eccentric...
 i'm just lost.... ever seen a puppy out in the rain.. cold...
lost away from home... that's me.. i can't recognise anybody...
my friends where have they all gone...
where is the guy who used to help me with digging in my garden.....
where is the guy who was the thief when i came in as the cop..
 where is the girl who wud run after me with her badminton cuz i hid the cork.. there have all gone...
i see them but i don't recognise them any more.....'m dead.....'t care...
tomorrow i'll not have the comfortss that i have today.... no tv (that means no heroes n no prison break)...
no computers (no more online chating with nice people like u).... no home... no nice clothes..
frankly i don't care.. so wat.... i'll still live... as i live now.....

it doesnt matter. i wish i cud sleep today.
[words mean words to me.]

(p.s u are kinda nice. cuz u care. u are kinda stupid. cuz u care.)

[words mean words to me.]

p.s u are kinda nice. cuz u care. u are kinda stupid. cuz u care.)

questions. questions. questions.
how i wish i cud get a penny for each question u ask... i wud become rich.. hahaha...

"what do u live for?” this is the question i have been asking to myself for the last 21 years.
And question replies question. i have nothing to look forward to. i'm not passionate about anything at all. All moments that have gone by...
no matter how pleasant or sad today seems the same. As if i have never gone thru that life.
As if each moment is the same. even the future seems all the same. Agreed I was good at certain things that i tried my hand at.
Basketball, tracks (long distances), graffiti, writing, et al... but i leave everything after a time. not that i fail in them but quite the contrary i succeed.
but then i don't feel like continuing. sometimes i feel i am dead. no wishes. no passion. no past memories. no future dreams. really.... what do i live for?

when i wrote "u are my fav. amateur psychiatrist" i meant it as a sarcasm. sorry if u took it the wrong way. i didnt mean to complement you or something.

it was just scathing remark on ur psychiatrist ability. i hope u understand.

words mean words...
well it's my problem... after a while all words just jumble up together. Then they just remains words...
dry words devoid of feelings. even sometimes when i'm talking the words seem all the same

and then they kinda echo in my head… my head.. my head...myhead.. myhead... it's funny...rite...if u can)
wasting my life... hahahaaha... how can one waste something that is not useful at all....
i yeah i do

believe me 

cutting a dream into a million pieces.

the song goes on.
shifting places.
into a tuneless chaos of words.

(p.s about p.s make sense if u can)

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6:14 PM me: hi
 elle: hi
6:16 PM how r u?
6:17 PM me: as usual alive
  as usual alive
  how are u?
  how are u?
 elle: dead?1
6:18 PM me: wat??
 elle: nothing
	19 minutes
6:38 PM me: ????
 elle: wat happened?
	5 minutes
6:44 PM me: how are u???
 elle: i am fine
6:45 PM as usual
  very very normal
 me: changed ur no.???
 elle: no
  it's the same

11:02 PM me: mirrors is buzy. you may be interrupting
11:03 PM mirrors: i stole it
11:07 PM me: aye aye captain
11:08 PM mirrors: in that case i really wanna be free now...
11:09 PM im so mixed up... i nt nw wht to do..
 me: u mean u want to lose ur pants on the street??/
 mirrors: dnt talk to me!!!!!
 me: ahhhh.. shame shame
11:10 PM mirrors: shut up
 me: why shudnt i talk to u??
 mirrors: dnt!!!!!
 me: by the by i'm not talking to u... u ae just reflecting thru my words... do i exist, stupid
  are u buzy??
  i seeeeeeeeeeeeeee
11:11 PM mirrors: i dnt want to exist.. i want to live... i want to live...
  i want to move on.. i want to live... i nt want to exist....
  so kill me
11:13 PM me: kay kay kay kay... my kay....
  who said u exist....
11:14 PM live with me... in moments... in...
  hey kay...are u in contact with>>> spriha??/
11:15 PM mirrors: i cant live with uuuuuuuuu
  no im not
  she is there in my profile though
  as u can see
11:16 PM me: tell me something did u notice the sky today evening
  tell me something did u wash ur hands after eating tonite
 mirrors: yes... there was this one part of the clous
11:17 PM me: tell me something which day is today..
  telll me something how many people did u see in the metro today
 mirrors: and............
 me: tell me something will u oneday write a testimonial for me
11:18 PM mirrors: wt are u tryin to say
  i dnt nw
  is that the answer
 me: i don't mean the orkut testimonial.. a real obituary
  wat don't u know... which question are u answering
 mirrors: i dnt nw
11:19 PM all questions
  i dnt nw any
 me: so u don't want to talk to me at all??
 mirrors: i dnt nw
11:20 PM me: oneday i'll turn silent...
11:21 PM mirrors: oneday i dnt nw wht will happen
  oneday will be oneday
  oneday will be just another day
  onedauy... ahhhh.. oneday bull shit?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 me: i want to
11:22 PM mirrors: what?
 me: nothing at all
 mirrors: what?
 me: i want to feel ur warm tears on my cheek
  forget it
11:23 PM mirrors: i will not cry
  oneday i will not cry
 me: don't
11:24 PM i hate u....
  always will
 mirrors: i dnt care
  never will...
 me: don't care.. it doesnt matter
11:25 PM mirrors:
 me: but i wud love to prove that to u... i will how much i hate u....
 mirrors: dnt.. never
 me: i'll write my death.
11:26 PM mirrors: no one nees to prove anythin
  and uuuuuuuuuu
 me: silence will be mine.
 mirrors: uu will never need to prove it
  silence was always mine
 me: but u don't care
  so don't care.
11:27 PM mirrors: i wont care
 me: i'll go and hide in my mirror.. behind the purple curtains n the steamy rain.
11:28 PM so u don't care about me..
  nor wat i do.
  do wats the shit....
  silence will me mine....
 mirrors: nt talk to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 me: death.....
 mirrors: dnt*
11:29 PM silence was mine and it will always be mine... i will kill u.. and only then will u be silent